She Strengthens

The Unspoken Struggle of Being the Breadwinner

My relationship with my partner has been a whirlwind of love, laughter, and adventure. We’ve shared countless nights on park benches, sipping wine and talking about our dreams. But beneath the surface, a subtle tension has been building.

We met in college, both pursuing degrees in the liberal arts. We joked about being broke, but our “artsy” lifestyle in Georgia felt carefree. I graduated a year before him and stuck around, taking a job at a coffee shop and doing unpaid PR work. Our humble life was happy, and I was thrilled to occasionally treat him when I had a good week in tips.

When he finished his Master’s, we made the bold decision to move to New York City. We crashed with friends for a month, found work as servers, and eventually landed a bedroom in a big apartment in Bushwick. It was a cliché, but we loved it. Our earnings were similar, and our rent was low, so we didn’t focus on spending.

For six months, I searched relentlessly for a “real” job. I didn’t want to settle for serving forever, especially with our student loans looming. By the end of that period, I landed a job at a marketing agency in Manhattan, earning more than I ever had before. I was proud to make progress on my loans, but my partner wasn’t as driven.

The Shift in Dynamics

He wanted to pursue a writing career, submitting to blogs and working on his own projects. I supported his dreams, even though it meant shouldering more financial responsibility. A year later, I’ve gotten a raise, promotion, and bonus. I pay hundreds of dollars towards my loans and save 20% of my paycheck. But my partner has only been paid for a few articles, and his progress is slow.

The strain of being the breadwinner is taking a toll on our relationship. I have to pay for everything from dinners out to vacations. I feel vulnerable, like I’m carrying the weight of our financial future alone. We got a domestic partnership so he could be on my insurance, but it filled me with anxiety.

The Unfair Expectations

Part of me feels like I’m being unfair, expecting him to step up and take responsibility. After all, wouldn’t it be acceptable if the roles were reversed? A high-earning man supporting his partner is the norm, but somehow, this dynamic feels different. I’m torn between being proud of my partner’s progress and feeling frustrated with his lack of financial contribution.

I struggle to suppress the urge to tell him to “man up” or take control of his finances. It’s hard not to feel like he’s being selfish, using most of his earnings to pay off his student debt while I’m shouldering the burden of our joint expenses. I want to be able to focus on my own debt, but I have to prioritize our life together.

The Unspoken Truth

I never thought I’d be the kind of person to feel uneasy about gender norms, but here I am. The weight of being the breadwinner is crushing me, and I’m not sure how much longer I can carry it.