She Strengthens

The False Sense of Security

As a financially independent individual, I’ve come to realize that my relationship with money is more complex than I initially thought. For a long time, I relied on a specific number in my checking account to provide a sense of security and comfort. This arbitrary figure became my financial crutch, even though it was objectively the most vulnerable and least beneficial place to keep my money.

The High of Financial Freedom

Before my writing career took off, I struggled to make ends meet. Having three digits in my account was a rare occurrence, and I would often clean it out when it was time to pay rent. But when I finally started earning more, I became addicted to seeing that number grow. The rush of calm it brought me was intoxicating. I would even go to the ATM just to print out my statement and marvel at the highest possible amount.

Old Habits Die Hard

When I moved to the States and got my first credit card, I thought I had finally shaken off my childish need for a high checking account balance. But old habits die hard. I found myself pushing my credit card payments to the last minute, just to keep my balance high, which resulted in late fees and a damaged credit score. I also struggled with dividing my money among multiple accounts, often combining them into one place, forgetting about automatic debits and risking overdrafts.

The Root of the Problem

Objectively, I know that hoarding money in one place makes no sense, but my mind is still soothed by seeing a high number. There are deeper issues at play here, and I’ve come to realize that it’s not just about the money itself, but about the sense of security and control it provides. As a professional woman, I should be able to trust myself to make the right financial decisions, but it’s hard to shake off the feeling of financial insecurity that comes with a history of struggling to make ends meet.

Financial Impostor Syndrome

I think it’s because of my financial impostor syndrome – the feeling that I’m not actually capable of running my own business and paying my own bills. It’s hard to let go of the mental image of myself as a financially insecure person, even though I’ve made significant progress. When you’ve experienced financial insecurity, it’s hard to move on from that and trust that you’ve changed.

Breaking the Cycle

To combat my desire to keep my balance high, I’ve started scheduling payments and forcing myself to pay the full balance. I’ve also made a conscious effort to invest in things that truly matter, even if it means taking a financial hit upfront. It’s not easy, but I’m slowly starting to look at myself as both who I am today and who I will be in the future, and paying it forward to that future self.

The Path Forward

I may never fully shake off the feeling of precarity, but I can take active measures to remove the option to hoard and treat my financial health as a diverse, complicated system. It’s time to stop watering that single flower in the pot and start tending to the entire garden.