She Strengthens

Unmasking the Hidden Costs of Anxiety

I still remember the day I sat in my new doctor’s office, just a few months after I made the bold decision to upend my life and move to New York City. The city that never sleeps was never my dream destination, unlike many others. I had low expectations, assuming that some good things would happen, but I never thought it would fix my problems or find me love or land me a good job. Fast forward a few months, and there I was, sitting on the doctor’s table, my leg shaking uncontrollably as I asked him what was wrong with me.

The Unspoken Symptoms

“I can’t sleep,” I said. “I think the pace of the city is keeping me awake.” My doctor didn’t answer, but instead took a small note on his pad. I continued, “And my knees are always hurting, and my jaw.” Still, no answer. “And sometimes I have a hard time breathing.” He asked me what I meant, and I explained how I would get nervous and upset, feeling my chest tighten, my body shaking and sweating. Sometimes it happened at night, and I couldn’t sleep. He asked if I knew what anxiety was, and I left that afternoon with a prescription for Ambien and a referral to a therapist.

Denial and Resistance

At first, I refused to accept the diagnosis. I thought, “I’m just stressed out.” Saying “anxiety” out loud felt like shifting the blame. My family has a history of mental illness, and I didn’t want to be seen as weak or selfish. It wasn’t until I finally went back to the doctor, after experiencing the unpleasant side effects of Ambien, that I began to take my anxiety seriously.

Confronting the Past

I told my doctor about my background, about staying up late as a child, racked with nerves. I shared about my old diaries and journals, where I lied about my life to avoid being seen as strange or unpopular. I told him about the burn book blog I had in high school that got exposed and led to me avoiding school. I finally opened up about the physical symptoms I experienced, the sobbing breakdowns over trivial things.

Taking Control

Over the next six months, I started taking my anxiety seriously. I saw a therapist, and I began to help myself. I refused another prescription for Xanax, and instead, I focused on making lifestyle changes. I practice honesty, confront issues head-on, regulate my sleep schedule, eat better, and go for walks every day. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it.

The Hidden Costs

There’s a cost to anxiety that people often don’t talk about. It’s the cycle of guilt and stress that comes with the unnecessary expenses brought on by this illness. It’s the monthly bill of prescriptions, the hundreds of dollars for appointments to doctors or therapists, the lost sleep that saps your ability to work the next day, the afternoon you have to call in sick because you can’t stop crying over nothing at all. It’s the fugue-state spending on food or drinks or meaningless retail therapy because you need some kind of release.

Breaking the Silence

I’ve learned that it’s essential to talk about these things, to take away their power by walking directly into the embarrassment. I’ve started being more open about my struggles, sharing my story with others. It’s not easy, but it’s necessary. By speaking out, I hope to break the stigma surrounding anxiety and encourage others to do the same.