Embracing My Choices: Breaking Free from the Apology Cycle
As a writer, I’ve always been driven by my passion for creative expression. However, the harsh reality is that writing doesn’t always pay the bills. To support myself, I made the conscious decision to take a full-time job in a non-creative industry. This choice has brought me financial stability, but it’s also led to a nagging sense of guilt and the need to justify my decision to others.
The Roots of Apology
I’ve come to realize that this urge to apologize stems from a deep-seated fear of not being accepted. Growing up, I was constantly belittled and criticized, leading me to believe that my very existence was wrong. This toxic mindset followed me into adulthood, where I felt the need to seek validation from others, even if it meant apologizing for things beyond my control.
The Workplace Culture
In the workplace, I’ve experienced a culture that expects women to be meek and take responsibility for everything that goes wrong. As an assistant, I was often blamed for mistakes that weren’t mine to own. This unhealthy mentality has conditioned me to apologize for things I didn’t cause, simply because it was expected of me.
Dating and Emotional Baggage
Even in my personal relationships, I’ve found myself apologizing for wanting to spend time with my partners, for caring about them, and for expressing my emotions. I’ve come to realize that this need to apologize is a reflection of my own insecurities and fears of not being accepted.
Breaking Free
It’s taken me years to understand that I don’t need to apologize for being myself and making choices that benefit me. By stopping the apologies before they start, I’m regaining my confidence and learning to own my decisions. It’s a slow process, but with daily reminders and positive self-talk, I’m pushing aside the negative voices and criticisms that have held me back.
Embracing My True Self
I’m not perfect, and I still struggle with the urge to apologize. But I’m working on it, and with each small victory, I feel more empowered and invincible. I’m learning to put my own thoughts and feelings first, and to silence the voices that tell me I’m not enough. And you know what? I’m not going to apologize for that.
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