She Strengthens

The Unspoken Rules of Nude Selfies: A Gendered Phenomenon

Imagine this: you’re a straight, cis woman in a relationship with a straight, cis man. You’re lounging on the couch, browsing through Netflix, when suddenly, you’re struck with the idea to send a nude selfie to your partner. You rush to your bedroom, mess up the sheets, and adjust the lighting to create a sultry ambiance. You take the time to freshen up your makeup and hairstyle, slip into a bra and panty set, and snap a dozen or so photos. After expertly cropping and editing the images, you send them off to your partner, eagerly awaiting their response.

But what happens when you receive a lackluster response in return? Perhaps a hastily taken photo of your partner’s erect penis, with their room in disarray and their tube-socked feet awkwardly included in the frame. You can’t help but feel underwhelmed by the effortlessness of their response, especially compared to the time and labor you invested in creating your own sexy selfie.

This phenomenon, which I’ll refer to as the “nudes gap,” is a pervasive issue in the world of online flirtation. It raises important questions about the differing levels of effort and intentionality that cis men and cis women put into their nude selfies, particularly in heterosexual relationships.

Pleasure and Expectations

One possible explanation for the nudes gap lies in the differing definitions of pleasure between men and women. Research suggests that men often prioritize penile-vaginal penetration as the primary sexual activity, while women tend to crave more time spent on other sexual acts. In a patriarchal society, men’s needs are often given more weight, which can influence the way we approach sexual experiences and online flirtation.

The Scripts We Follow

Clementine Morrigan, a writer and educator, notes that compulsory heteronormativity relies on scripts and roles to produce narrowly defined sexual experiences. These scripts can shape our behavior and expectations in online interactions, including the way we approach nude selfies.

Objectification Theory

One theory that may explain the nudes gap is objectification theory, which suggests that womanhood is experienced within a social context that equates a woman’s worth with her level of beauty and sexual availability. This can lead women to feel pressured to present themselves in a traditionally feminine and attractive way, even in online interactions.

According to recent research, women are four times more likely than men to send sexually explicit images to prevent their partner from losing interest or to prevent them from looking at images of others. This can be seen as a transaction, where women package their bodies and offer them in exchange for something in return – in this case, an interested and loyal partner.

Empowerment Theory

On the other hand, high-effort nudes can be seen as an act of empowerment for women. A recent study found that 73% of women and 67% of men said their goal was to turn on the recipient, but women were twice as likely as men to say that sending nudes boosted their confidence and four times more likely to say it made them feel empowered.

Sexting can provide a safe space for women to explore their sexuality and express themselves on their own terms. Perhaps the preparation and effort that goes into creating a nude selfie is less about pleasing the recipient and more about the sender controlling how they want to be perceived and expressed.

Breaking the Mold

So, what can you do when you’re not getting back what you’re putting into your nude selfies? The answer is to communicate your desires clearly and respectfully. Instead of focusing on what you don’t want, try asking your partner what they would like to see or experience. This can help create a more mutual and empowering exchange.

Ultimately, nude selfies can be a fun and exciting way to explore ourselves and connect with our partners. By recognizing and challenging the unspoken rules that govern our online interactions, we can work towards creating a more equal and empowering experience for all involved.