She Strengthens

The Art of Apologies: Separating Sincere Regret from Insincere Words

Beyond the Surface Level of Sorry

Gone are the days when apologies were a rare commodity. Today, we’re flooded with “I’m sorry you felt that way” statements, leaving us wondering how to distinguish genuine remorse from hollow words. When an apology fails to bring closure, it’s essential to explore the underlying reasons.

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

An apology without concrete actions to back it up is nothing more than empty words. “Sometimes, apologies aren’t legit,” notes Dr. Aimee Daramus, a psychologist. “If their actions don’t back up the apology, you still have work to do to set boundaries and tell the person what real changes you need.” Similarly, an apology delivered in anger or frustration can evoke a similar emotional response.

What Makes a Good Apology?

A genuine apology should:

• Acknowledge the hurt caused
• Take ownership of actions
• Accept blame without deflecting
• Avoid accusatory language
• Not be conditional
• Not make the recipient feel worse about themselves

Uncovering Deeper Issues

Even if an apology seems sincere, you may still feel angry. Perhaps the issue runs deeper, triggering past traumas or unresolved emotions. “Anger can also mask depression or trauma, especially if it’s hard for you to express your emotions,” Dr. Daramus explains. It’s crucial to identify the root cause of your anger and address it.

Processing Emotions Takes Time

Everyone processes emotions at their own pace. You may need time to absorb the apology and work through your feelings. “For some, apologies are symbolic and meaningful enough that they allow a person’s anger to shift. For others, anger takes longer to shift,” notes Madison McCullough, a therapist.

Honoring Your Pain

Acknowledging the pain and hurt you’ve experienced can be scary, but it’s often necessary for healing. “Quite often we get angry when we have been hurt,” says Shadeen Francis, a relationship expert. “It is worth honoring that. It may feel like too vulnerable a position, but acknowledging how you were hurt also helps you heal and release the part of yourself that is using anger for protection.”

Clarifying Expectations

Before severing ties, give the other person a chance to share their perspective. Clear communication can help navigate anger and uncover what’s needed to move forward. Don’t be afraid to question your own beliefs and expectations, as unrealistic demands can exacerbate the issue.

Embracing Your Anger

It’s okay to feel angry, even after an apology. Don’t let others dictate how you should feel. “Anger is a deeply stigmatized emotion, so often people feel afraid of or overwhelmed by their own anger. Anger is not inherently bad; it’s powerful emotional energy,” McCullough says. Channel your anger into constructive outlets, such as writing, exercise, or talking to a therapist.

Moving Forward, On Your Terms

Ultimately, you don’t have to get over your anger for anyone else’s sake. Feel your emotions, process them, and move on when you’re ready – for yourself.