She Strengthens

Rethinking Polyamory: Unpacking Misconceptions and Embracing Self

When I first met Lynn, I had no idea that our friendship would blossom into a romantic relationship. What I did know was that she was pansexual, polyamorous, and married. At the time, I was skeptical about the whole open marriage thing, wondering how someone already committed could possibly provide the care and affection I desired. But as we started dating, I began to realize that my preconceived notions about polyamory were rooted in misconceptions.

The Misuse of Labels

I’d dated people who claimed to be polyamorous but were simply cheating. Real polyamory isn’t about the number of partners; it’s about approaching relationships with consent and open communication. Ethical non-monogamy, or consensual nonmonogamy, is about practicing good communication and obtaining enthusiastic, ongoing consent from all parties involved. Anything less is just cheating.

Attachment Styles Matter

Stigma against polyamory affects relationship structures more than we realize. Research has only recently begun to debunk these stereotypes, improving the quality of care people receive. Attachment theory, developed by British psychoanalyst John Bowlby, describes how humans form relationships. My own anxious attachment style, shaped by a childhood of neglect, has led to feelings of insecurity and a tendency to cling to partners.

Secure vs. Insecure Attachment

A secure attachment style means confidence in relationships, trusting that others will come to your aid when needed. Insecure styles, like anxious or avoidant, can manifest in different ways. Most people exhibit a mix of styles. Understanding your attachment style is key to building healthy relationships.

Attention and Affection Aren’t Limited

I used to think that polyamory meant less attention and affection. But with Lynn, I realized that it wasn’t about the number of partners; it was about the quality of attention and affection she gave me. Her consistent verbal praise and emotional support made me feel supported and less anxious.

Experience Isn’t a Cure-All

Assuming that someone with more experience will solve relationship issues is a mistake. Issues often stem from within and require communication to resolve. In my relationship with Lynn, I ignored my own discomfort and compromised my needs to avoid being alone. But this only led to feelings of powerlessness.

Honor Your Needs

Looking back, I should have trusted my instincts and prioritized my own needs. I learned that it’s essential to communicate your desires and boundaries, even if it means walking away from a relationship. Moving forward, I want to prioritize respect and open communication in my relationships. If something doesn’t feel right, it likely isn’t.