She Strengthens

Embracing Abstinence: A Journey of Self-Discovery

A night of absinthe and revelry in a secret vampire bar above a New Orleans tavern marked the beginning of a transformative journey for me. It was the last time I’d have sex for over a year, a decision that would eventually become intentional. As I focused on career and personal growth, I replaced sex with self-care, discovery, and healing.

A Year of Introspection

Months went by without a single date or romantic encounter. I barely noticed, too busy preparing for interviews and nurturing new friendships. The lack of romance only caught my attention when I realized that less time spent searching for a partner meant more time for personal growth. I made the conscious decision to stop having sex altogether, not out of prudishness or judgment, but to focus on myself.

Filling the Void

During this time, I joined Facebook groups, met new people, and started writing more. I felt like I was making up for lost years stuck in unhappy, heteronormative relationships. My friends, old and new, were supportive, and I didn’t feel pressured to conform to societal expectations. I talked to my therapist, who was gentle and frank, helping me unpack my past traumas and abusive relationships.

Unpacking Trauma

My struggles with painful sex, diagnosed as vaginismus, were a significant thread in my therapy sessions. Watching the TV show “Lucifer” over the summer, I was turned on for the first time in months, yet I still didn’t crave sex. Buying a menstrual cup was a game-changer, allowing me to care for and trust my body. I started talking to my therapist about my newfound desires and began to recognize the limitations of my ideas about relationships and sex.

Breaking Free

In October 2019, I traveled to Paris alone, where I embarked on a self-guided gay bar tour. I kissed a girl, and it felt like a rebirth. The sparks I’d felt while rediscovering my sexuality were blazing. I talked to friends about welcoming new partners into my life, and my therapist and I celebrated my progress.

New Beginnings

After passing the 13-month mark, I hooked up with a guy, being open and honest about wanting casual sex. I also have a date with a cute girl this weekend. Though much has changed since my New Orleans excursion, I’ve only grown more resolute in my desire to have fun and remain single. Commitment isn’t on my list of priorities right now.

The Power of Therapy

I cannot stress enough how much my therapist helped me navigate this experience. Without those sessions, I wouldn’t have uncovered the depths of my queerness or explored what kinds of sex I should be having. I strongly recommend a hiatus from sex for anyone who is currently single and has experienced past trauma. Not having sex seems like a simple concept, but the results were extraordinary. It was never about a lack of something, but rather adding more to my life.