She Strengthens

The Art of Shelving: When Dating Excuses Get Out of Hand

As a sex and relationships writer, I’ve seen my fair share of questionable dating behaviors. But one particular trend has left me scratching my head: shelving. It’s the phenomenon where someone charms you online, only to vanish when it’s time to meet in person, citing “work obligations” as the reason.

The Non-Letdown Letdown

I first encountered shelving when I matched with someone on Tinder. We had a great online connection, but when I suggested meeting up, she suddenly became too busy with work to commit to a date. I was left feeling confused and frustrated, wondering if I’d done something wrong.

A Euphemism for Disinterest?

But as I dug deeper, I realized that shelving is more than just a convenient excuse. It’s a way to keep someone on the back burner while pretending to be interested. It’s breadcrumbing, but with a twist: the person uses their “ambitious” schedule as a way to string you along.

The Many Faces of Shelving

According to relationship therapist Shadeen Francis, there are several reasons why people engage in shelving behavior. Some may be bored and looking for a cure, while others may be genuinely busy with work or personal projects. But often, it’s a sign of disinterest in commitment or a fear of taking things to the next level.

Why Shelving Hurts

Shelving can be damaging to our self-esteem and emotional well-being. It leaves us feeling uncertain, anxious, and disappointed. It’s essential to recognize the signs of shelving and take action to protect ourselves.

What to Do If You’re Being Shelved

If you suspect someone is shelving you, don’t hesitate to ask direct questions. Clarify their intentions and expectations, and be honest about your own needs. Remember, in a healthy relationship, both parties communicate openly and honestly.

Taking Back Control

As someone who’s been shelved before, I know how frustrating it can be. But I’ve learned to take back control by setting boundaries and prioritizing my own emotional well-being. The next time I’m shelved, I’ll be ready to let that relationship go, knowing that I deserve better.

The Bottom Line

Shelving may be a convenient excuse, but it’s not an acceptable way to treat others. Let’s call out this behavior for what it is: a lack of respect and communication. By recognizing the signs of shelving and taking action, we can create healthier, more fulfilling relationships.