She Strengthens

Breaking Free from Societal Expectations: My Journey to Self-Acceptance

As a visibly Southeast Asian woman living in predominantly white settings, I’ve always felt the weight of unspoken societal expectations. I was taught to follow the rules, suppress my needs, and occupy as little space as possible. The concept of boundaries was foreign to me, and the idea of embracing my true self seemed like a distant dream.

The Trauma That Shaped My Relationship with My Body

My relationship with my body has been irreparably affected by trauma. The experience of sexual assault has left an indelible mark on my sense of self-worth and body autonomy. Growing up, I watched my father’s face turn bright red with every beer he consumed, a classic symptom of alcohol flush syndrome (AFS). This genetic mutation, common among East Asians, makes it difficult for our bodies to break down alcohol, leading to a buildup of carcinogens and triggering allergic reactions.

The Pressure to Conform

I tried to fit in with my peers by drinking, despite my body’s protests. I wanted to be the life of the party, like my favorite TV character, Marissa Cooper. But my body had other plans. The smell of alcohol would make me gag, my face would flush, and my heart would race. I’d get nauseous, throw up, and wake up the next day feeling drained and exhausted. Yet, I persisted, thinking that I needed to push through and build my tolerance.

A Toxic Relationship and the Cycle of Shame

My ex-boyfriend, a bartender, would often manipulate me into drinking, insisting that I sample his creations to validate his taste. He’d spend hundreds of dollars on liquor, and I’d nod in agreement, pretending to enjoy the flavors. But deep down, I knew I was compromising my body’s needs to please him. This cycle of shame and self-doubt continued until I realized that I needed to prioritize my well-being over external expectations.

The Turning Point

In 2015, I was sexually assaulted by a senior male co-worker. The experience left me feeling broken and ashamed. But it was during this dark time that I began to connect with my body again. I started counseling, practiced grounding techniques, and read books on rape culture. I learned to focus on being in my body, rather than trying to conform to societal norms.

Embracing My Body’s Warning Signs

One day, I stumbled upon an article about the dangers of alcohol consumption for people with AFS. The report highlighted the risk of DNA damage and cancer, and I knew I had to quit drinking for good. It was a liberating moment, realizing that I didn’t need to justify risking my health to fit in.

Prioritizing My Well-being

Learning to love and respect my body has been crucial to my recovery process. I’ve come to understand that alcohol should be seen as optional, not mandatory. By embracing my body’s limitations, I’ve broken free from the shackles of societal expectations. I no longer need to contort my spirit and personality to fit in. I finally feel safe to exist as myself.

A New Chapter

As a Filipina-Canadian culture writer and anti-rape activist, I’ve found my voice and my purpose. I’m committed to spreading awareness about the importance of body autonomy and consent. My journey to self-acceptance has been long and arduous, but it’s also been incredibly empowering. I hope that my story will inspire others to prioritize their well-being and embrace their true selves, free from the constraints of societal expectations.