The Complex Web of Rape, Guilt, and Healing
A Life-Altering Encounter
I’ll never forget the day I opened up to my psychologist about a disturbing experience. I had slept with a friend, and after falling asleep, I woke up to find him inside me. My psychologist’s concerned expression and pointed question – “Did he penetrate you without your consent? Because that’s rape” – caught me off guard. I brushed it off, insisting it wasn’t rape, but the voice in my head whispered otherwise.
Confronting the Truth
As a survivor of sexual assault and an anti-rape activist, I knew what rape was. Yet, I struggled to acknowledge the truth. Admitting it meant revisiting the trauma and starting the healing process anew. My psychologist’s words echoed in my mind, forcing me to confront the reality of my situation.
The Rapist’s Apology
My rapist begged for forgiveness, repeatedly apologizing and promising to make amends. I allowed him to visit me, hoping to find closure. Instead, his tears and pleas for forgiveness stirred up conflicting emotions. I found myself drawn to him, and we ended up having sex for hours. It was as if I was trying to convince myself that the initial assault wasn’t that bad.
Denial and Self-Destruction
Looking back, I realize that sleeping with my rapist was a form of self-destruction. We’re conditioned to view rapists as monsters, but my feelings for him blurred those lines. By scrubbing away the memories of the assault, I was left with the attraction I’d felt before. This attraction became a form of denial, allowing me to temporarily forget the pain.
The Illusion of Control
In the aftermath, I constantly wondered what would have happened if I could relive that night and consent. It was as if I was trying to retroactively give permission for the assault. Each time I said yes, I was attempting to rewrite history. This desperate need for control was, in fact, a cry for help.
Breaking Free
Eventually, my rapist moved on, and our fling came to an end. It was both a relief and a rejection. I was left to confront the harsh reality: no amount of sex, consensual or not, could erase the sexual assault. The healing process would require more than just physical intimacy.
Healing Begins
Self-harm can manifest in many ways, including sex. It’s essential to acknowledge that we deserve healing, even when our methods may seem misguided. As Nayyirah Waheed so eloquently put it, “Apologize to your body. Maybe that’s where healing begins.” I’m still learning to apologize to myself, to forgive, and to heal. Maybe one day, I’ll stop apologizing and truly begin again.
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