She Strengthens

Embracing Your Authentic Self: The Hidden Dangers of Compromising Your Identity

As you scroll through social media, you can’t help but feel a sense of longing. You’re in a relationship with a cis, straight man, but you’re craving a deeper connection with your queer identity. The vibrant online community of bisexual individuals resonates with you, making you feel seen and heard. But when your partner walks into the room, you instinctively hide your phone, concealing your true self.

The Uncomfortable Truth About De-Selfing

You’re not alone in this feeling. Many individuals, especially those in relationships with straight, cis partners, experience a phenomenon known as de-selfing. Coined by clinical psychologist Harriet Lerner, de-selfing refers to the process of sacrificing core aspects of oneself to maintain a relationship. It’s when you diminish your identity, values, and desires to avoid conflict or discomfort.

The Consequences of Compromise

De-selfing can manifest in various ways, such as hiding your bisexuality, downplaying your political beliefs, or abandoning your career aspirations. It’s a painful process that can lead to feelings of resentment, anger, and rejection. The line between compromise and sacrifice is often blurred, but it’s essential to recognize the difference. Compromise involves finding a middle ground, whereas sacrifice means forfeiting something vital for someone else’s comfort.

Breaking Free from De-Selfing

So, how can you break free from this harmful pattern? Start by acknowledging the parts of yourself you’re hiding in your relationship. Take stock of your marginalized identities and experiences, and notice how suppressing them makes you feel. Imagine living your most authentic life, unapologetically embracing your true self.

Reclaiming Your Identity

Asking yourself some tough questions can help you identify areas where you’re de-selfing:

• What parts of yourself are you hiding in your relationship?
• How would your life look if you could live authentically?
• What are you afraid to do now that you would be doing joyfully?
• How different is your current life from your ideal scenario?

Embracing Your Wholeness

It’s time to prioritize your relationship with yourself. You deserve to live a life that celebrates your complexities, without apology or hesitation. Reevaluate what’s holding you back, and consider seeking help through couples therapy or re-examining your relationship. Remember, your most important relationship is the one with yourself. Commit to embracing your authentic self, and watch your life transform in profound ways.