She Strengthens

Understanding the Harm You’ve Caused: A Path to Accountability

If you’re reading this, you’re likely facing a difficult reality: you’ve been accused of abusive behavior, and you want to understand the harm you’ve caused and how to make amends. As a survivor of abuse, I believe that healing is possible, and it starts with acknowledging the harm done.

What Does It Mean to Be Called an Abuser?

Abuse is a pattern of behaviors used to maintain power and control over another person in an intimate relationship. It can take many forms, including physical, financial, sexual, and psychological harm. These behaviors can overlap and are often used to manipulate and control others.

Reflecting on Your Behavior

To move forward, you need to understand what you’re being accused of. Ask yourself:

• Which behaviors of yours are being called into question?
• How do they make the other person feel?
• Are there patterns or phases in your behavior that could be considered abusive?

The Cycle of Abuse

Abuse is not just a one-time incident; it’s a pattern of behavior that repeats itself. The cycle of abuse can include tension building, a violent incident, reconciliation, and a honeymoon phase, before starting again.

Are You Minimizing Your Behavior?

If someone accuses you of abuse, it’s essential to listen without becoming defensive. Acknowledge their feelings and experiences, even if you don’t agree with their perspective.

Seeking Self-Reflection, Not Validation

The questions above are meant to help you reflect on your behavior and motivations. They are not meant to explain or contextualize your behavior during an apology or conversation.

What Can You Do Now?

If you’ve come to realize that you’ve behaved in ways that are abusive, it’s time to think about next steps:

• What can you do to understand the harm caused and unlearn abusive tactics?
• How can you internalize safer, more supportive ways of interacting with others?

Supportive Actions for Accountability

Here are some ideas to get you started:

1. Remember: Your accountability process should be survivor-centered. Who did you directly cause harm to? What do they need to feel safe?
2. Engage in self-exploration. Research why people abuse and reflect on your own experiences and trauma.
3. Reach out for community accountability. Lean on trusted loved ones for help with next steps.
4. Try professional mediation. A third-party mediator can help facilitate communication and accountability.
5. Consider therapy. Individual counseling or group support can be a powerful tool for understanding and changing your behavior.

Remember, these suggestions are just a starting point. Changing your behavior takes work, but it’s possible with a willingness to listen, learn, and grow.