Unraveling Identity: A Journey of Self-Discovery
As I catch a whiff of Black Ice car freshener, I’m instantly transported back to my first kiss. It was a moment that confirmed my identity as a lesbian, and I thought I had it all figured out. But life had other plans.
A Detour from Certainty
Six years later, I found myself drawn to a cisgender guy – the quintessential jock type. The 18-month rollercoaster of emotions that followed left me questioning my sexual identity. Who was I, really? The comfort of my previous identity as a lesbian seemed to slip away, replaced by uncertainty and shame.
The Silence of Self-Doubt
As I struggled to reconcile my feelings, I stopped masturbating. It was a drastic change for someone who had always been open about their sexuality. But every time I tried to pleasure myself, my mind would wander to fantasies starring cis dudes. The shame and discomfort were overwhelming, and I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was somehow broken.
Cognitive Dissonance: The Enemy of Pleasure
Dr. Wendasha Jenkins Hall, a sex educator and researcher, calls this phenomenon cognitive dissonance – the discomfort that arises when our beliefs and desires clash. For me, it meant that my mind was at war with my body, making it impossible to experience pleasure.
Internalized Biphobia: The Silent Saboteur
Internalized biphobia is a real and insidious force that can lead to self-hatred, fear, and shame. It’s the voice that tells us we’re greedy, insatiable, or unlovable because we can’t pick a team. It’s the reason I stopped masturbating and started to doubt my own identity.
A Turning Point
It took another crush on a cis dude to force me to confront my internalized biphobia. With the help of a queer therapist, I began to unpack my beliefs and experiences, slowly shedding the shame and fear that had held me back. I realized that my attraction to cis men didn’t mean I had lied about being a lesbian; it meant my sexuality had evolved.
Embracing Identity
Today, I proudly identify as a queer, bisexual dyke. I’ve filled my social feeds with out and proud bi queers and activists, and I’ve stopped letting fear dictate my desires. I’ve come to understand that my fantasies don’t define my sexual orientation; they’re simply a reflection of my desires.
The Freedom of Self-Acceptance
Since embracing my true identity, I’ve been able to reclaim my sexuality. I’m back to enjoying solo sex, fantasizing about whoever I want, and living life with organismic bliss. It’s a journey that’s taught me the importance of self-acceptance and the freedom that comes with it.
A New Chapter
As I look back on my journey, I’m reminded that identity is a complex and ever-evolving thing. It’s okay to question ourselves, to explore, and to grow. And as I gaze at the Black Ice car freshener hanging from my boyfriend’s rear-view mirror, I’m grateful for the twists and turns that have led me to where I am today.
Leave a Reply