She Strengthens

The Unspoken Expectations That Shape Relationships

A Pattern of Disappointment

I used to date men exclusively until I came out as gay at 27. People often assumed that dating women would be a dramatic change, filled with drama and intense emotions. However, my experiences with men revealed a distinct pattern that made me grateful to move on.

In every relationship, things would start strong, with my partner showing genuine interest and effort. But soon, they’d suddenly shift gears, becoming apathetic and distant. I wouldn’t change my behavior, but they’d stop making an effort. When I addressed the issue, they’d apologize and promise to do better, only to continue their lack of effort.

The Shocking Truth

What surprised me most was their shock and upset when I eventually left. It seemed they genuinely didn’t understand why I was unhappy. This led me to question whether I was the problem. However, a wise friend pointed out that I was dealing with a demographic socialized to be inconsistent and lazy.

Emotional Labor: The Unseen Expectation

The root of this issue lies in emotional labor, the effort required to be considerate of others. This includes tasks like remembering important dates, listening actively, and being mindful of one’s partner’s needs. Society expects women to perform significantly more emotional labor than men, which is seen as normal and expected.

The Socialization of Men

Men are taught that being thoughtful and intentional is only necessary when trying to “win” someone over. Once they’ve achieved their goal, they can drop the effort. This creates a self-fulfilling prophecy, where men are given permission to be lazy and self-centered in relationships.

Breaking Free from Stereotypes

It’s essential to recognize that men are capable of compassion, intention, and emotional labor. They’re not inherently inferior or superior to anyone else. The issue lies in the collective expectations we create through our societal norms. By challenging these stereotypes, men can learn to take responsibility for their share of emotional labor and become better partners.

A Call to Action

If you’re in a relationship with someone who’s not pulling their weight, it’s essential to communicate your needs and boundaries. If they’re not willing to listen and change, it may be time to reevaluate the relationship. Remember, you deserve respect and care, and it’s not okay to settle for anything less.

A Message to Men

You have the capacity to do better. Don’t use your maleness as a cop-out. Take responsibility for your actions, and learn to shoulder your share of emotional labor. By doing so, you’ll become a better partner and a more compassionate person.