The Secret Life of a Trichotillomaniac
A Childhood Habit
I still remember Rosie, a childhood friend I reconnected with at a party. We reminisced about our time in The Teddy Bear Club, a popular club we co-created in first grade. Amidst the laughter, she brought up a sensitive topic – my habit of pulling out my eyelashes. I froze, unsure how to react.
The Struggle Begins
My trichotillomania started when I was six years old. I’d pull out my eyelashes whenever I was bored or stressed, leading to meltdowns and tears. My mom would console me, but I couldn’t explain why I did it. As I grew older, the habit persisted, and I learned to hide it from others.
The Daily Routine
Every morning, I draw on eyeliner to create the illusion of eyelashes. It’s a ritual I’ve performed since I was 13. I check my eyelids multiple times a day, hoping to spot new growth. But my brain has a mind of its own, and my hands work independently, like a determined gardener weeding a garden.
The Quest for Solutions
I’ve tried wearing fake eyelashes, but they often flop over my eyes or look unnatural. I’ve scoured online forums for trichotillomaniacs, seeking solace and advice. Doctors have told me that eventually, my eyelashes may stop growing back. The thought is daunting.
The Emotional Toll
Trichotillomania is a compulsion that’s hard to explain to others. It’s not something you discuss over brunch or coffee. I’ve tried therapy, but it hasn’t helped me overcome the habit. I’ve set milestones for myself, but they’ve come and gone without permanent change. The shame and guilt linger, making me wonder if I’ll ever be able to stop.
The Search for Acceptance
Maybe it’s time to change my goal – to learn to accept myself, bare-lidded and all. But for now, I’ll continue to wear my armor of eyeliner, hiding my secret from the world. Perhaps someday, I’ll find the courage to embrace my true self, Donald in a dress and all.
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