She Strengthens

Breaking Free from Financial Chaos

A Lesson in Identity, Money, and Life

I was just 20 years old when I met my husband, and our divorce was finalized exactly five years later. Those five years were filled with painful lessons about identity, money, and life. I thought I was more mature than my peers, but I was wrong.

The Illusion of Maturity

I was a sophomore in college, working three jobs to support myself, when I met Roy. He was 33, had a master’s degree, and two young daughters. I was impressed by his apparent maturity and stability. My family and friends warned me about our 13-year age gap, but I was convinced that it wasn’t a problem. I had always connected with people older than me, and I believed that our age difference would bring wisdom and experience to our relationship.

Entangled Lives

Six months into our relationship, I moved in with Roy and his daughters. I quickly took on domestic responsibilities, cooking, cleaning, and driving the girls to school. We moved to a new town for his job opportunity, and I committed to driving an hour-long commute to pick up the girls and take them back to their mom’s house. It was then that Roy revealed his $300,000 debt, including $20,000 in credit cards and $280,000 in student loans. I was shocked, but I decided to stay with him, convinced that I could help him get back on track.

Financial Missteps

We opened a joint bank account, and I started taking on student loans to help “make ends meet.” I felt guilty for not making enough money, but Roy assured me that I was doing my best. I only paid my credit card bill, while he handled all the other expenses. I would ask him to review our finances with me, but he would brush it off, saying it was too complicated. This should have been a red flag, but I ignored it.

Debt and Lifestyle Inflation

Life happened, and I found myself with $30,000 in medical debt, maxed-out credit cards, and a handful of student loans. We got married, partially for insurance, partially because I had a “why not” attitude. We upgraded our lifestyle, buying new cars and a bigger apartment, but we were still living paycheck to paycheck. We justified “emergencies” like Christmas or visiting family, putting them on credit cards. We were delusional about our financial situation.

A Turning Point

After graduating from college and getting a promotion, I started making $56,000 a year. I could see a light at the end of the tunnel for my financial future, and I was excited to make a change. I started using YNAB to track our expenses, but it was hard to get a clear picture of our finances with multiple joint accounts, savings accounts, and credit cards. I wanted to have a serious conversation with my husband about our finances, but he took it as a threat, feeling betrayed and accusing me of wanting to leave him.

Breaking Point

The financial control escalated into emotional abuse, and ultimately, a narrowly-escaped threat of physical abuse. I had reached my breaking point, and I left the relationship. I took a huge pay cut, moved into a cheap Airbnb, and was left with $2 in my bank account, maxed-out credit cards, and a destroyed credit score.

Lessons Learned

It’s been a year since I left Roy. I’ve paid off $4,000 of debt and am living in a house with two roommates, making $36,000 a year. I’ve learned to be transparent about my debt and budget system, and I’ve vowed never to combine my finances with someone again. I’m nervous about money in my future relationships, but I’m determined to build a stronger, more independent me.

Growth and Independence

I’ve come to realize that I wasn’t the same girl at 15 as I am today, and that’s a good thing. Growth, capability, and independence threatened a relationship built on co-dependency, but now they’ll strengthen what I build in the future – and this time, it’s going to be for me.