She Strengthens

The Backhanded Compliment: Unpacking the “You’re Not Like Most Girls” Trope

Imagine this: you’re at a crowded bar, having a mediocre conversation with someone, let’s call him Chip. He leans in, puts his hand on your lower back, and says, “You’re not like most girls I meet around here.” Suddenly, the atmosphere shifts, and you’re left feeling uneasy.

The Intended Compliment

This phrase, often tossed around as a compliment, is meant to make you feel special and unique. Who doesn’t want to stand out from the crowd? But what does it really mean, and what assumptions does it make about women in general?

Examining the Implications

I’ve heard various versions of this “compliment” throughout my life, including:

• “Smart and pretty, you don’t get that every day!”
• “I don’t meet very many women who are funny.”
• “It’s rare to find a girl with a real appetite.”
• “You’re interested in politics? I would never have guessed.”
• “A girl who actually understands football, now that’s hard to find!”

At first glance, these comments seem harmless, but they share a common thread: they’re focused on a trait or characteristic that’s typically not associated with women, implying that you’re an exception to the rule. They also subtly put down other women, reinforcing harmful stereotypes.

The Problem with “Most Women”

When we use phrases like “you’re not like most girls,” we’re perpetuating a damaging narrative. We’re implying that women who possess certain traits are unusual or exceptional, while simultaneously reinforcing negative stereotypes about women in general. It’s a vicious cycle that can lead to women disassociating their identities from other women.

Women Can Be Guilty Too

Unfortunately, women often perpetuate this mindset, using phrases like “I’m not like other girls” or “I’m more like one of the guys.” This stems from insecurity and a desire for validation, but it’s essential to recognize the harm it causes.

Breaking the Cycle

So, what can we do when we’re on the receiving end of these backhanded compliments? Catch yourself when you start to think or say something similar. Challenge those thoughts by thinking of women in your life who share the same qualities. Instead of putting down other women, focus on celebrating the characteristics that make us individuals.

Rethinking the Stereotype

Let’s turn the “most women” stereotype on its head. Instead of focusing on negative traits, let’s highlight the positive qualities that make women unique and powerful. When someone says, “You’re not like most girls,” respond with, “That’s a shame, I try to be like most of the women I know.” Then, walk away, knowing you’re part of a community that uplifts and empowers each other.