She Strengthens

Breaking the Silence: My Journey to Finding an Ally in Love

As I settled into my new life in Beijing, I was struck by the news of Eric Garner and Michael Brown’s brutal murders by police. The phrase “I can’t breathe” echoed in my mind, filling me with anger, sadness, and guilt. The birth of the Black Lives Matter movement sparked a fire within me, but I struggled to open up about my experiences with racism to the men I was dating.

A Sense of Safety

Living in Beijing, a city largely homogenous in population, I felt a sense of safety I had never experienced before. Racial microaggressions were few and far between, and I never feared for my life due to the color of my skin. But as I grieved the loss of innocent lives, I knew I couldn’t stay silent.

Casual Dating and Uncomfortable Conversations

I met Alex at a friend’s birthday party, and we quickly hit it off. But as we started dating, I hesitated to discuss the Black Lives Matter movement and my experiences with racism. I feared he wouldn’t listen or understand the complexities of systemic racism. When I finally broached the subject, his response fell short of my expectations. He didn’t ask about my experiences or offer support; instead, he shared his own story of feeling unwelcome in anti-racism groups.

A Screening Question

After that conversation, I started asking potential dates if they had dated a Black woman before. I thought it would be a way to gauge their willingness to listen and learn. But I soon realized that wasn’t enough. I needed to have open and honest conversations about race, even if it meant confronting uncomfortable truths.

Confronting Silence

As I continued to date, I met men who were willing to discuss race, but I struggled to trust them. There was Brett, who defended me against a racist comment, and Kyle, who unintentionally excluded Black women from his dating preferences. But even with Brett, I couldn’t bring myself to go deeper into the systemic ways racism affected my life.

A Wake-Up Call

The murders of George Floyd and Breonna Taylor, as well as the countless Black transgender people who lost their lives, woke me up. I realized I couldn’t stay silent about race in any part of my life, including my dating life. I needed to speak up about anti-Blackness in America and the prevalence of systemic and institutional racism.

Finding an Accomplice

That’s when I met John, who I connected with on Tinder. As we got to know each other over text and phone calls, I knew I couldn’t avoid asking him about race. I told him about my grief and anger, and he shared his own experiences with racism. But what surprised me was his willingness to listen, learn, and take action. He pledged to be my shield, to protect me at any cost, and to fight against injustice. For the first time, I felt seen and heard by someone I was dating.

Breaking the Silence

My journey has taught me that finding an ally in love requires breaking the silence around race. It means having uncomfortable conversations, confronting our own biases, and being willing to listen and learn. As I continue to date John, I know that I’ve found someone who sees me not just as a partner, but as a Black woman containing multitudes.