She Strengthens

The Toxic Relationship I Never Knew I Had

Passion vs. Obsession

Looking back, I realize that my last job was a toxic relationship in disguise. I was an editor for a trade magazine, and my dedication and passion led to rapid promotions. But beneath the surface, I was sacrificing my well-being and identity. I thought I was doing everything right, but in reality, I was developing unhealthy habits that consumed my life.

The Constant Grind

I thought about work 24/7, even dreaming about it. My passion for journalism had become an all-encompassing force that seeped into every aspect of my life. I’d think about work during runs, while sitting on the couch, and even in my sleep. The pressure to perform was suffocating, and I’d often wake up in the middle of the night to check my work email and plan ahead to avoid deadline disasters.

The Need to Share

I couldn’t stop talking about work, convinced that everyone needed to know every detail. I’d share stories about my projects, office dynamics, and conflicts with colleagues. I thought it was harmless socializing, but in reality, I was seeking validation and attention.

Wearing Stress as a Badge of Honor

I wore my stress like a badge of honor, thinking that being busy was a sign of success. I’d joke about crying at my desk and working through lunch, but deep down, I was competing with others to prove my worth. When my grandfather passed away, I even felt guilty for taking time off to attend his funeral, thinking that I needed to be constantly available.

The Fear of Being Replaced

I never let myself get too comfortable, always fearing that my job was at risk. This fear drove me to work constantly, never allowing myself to relax or enjoy my achievements. I thought that if I wasn’t stressed out, I must be doing something wrong.

The Realization

It wasn’t until I learned about the Ziegarnik effect, a psychological phenomenon that causes our brains to focus on incomplete tasks, that I realized the true extent of my anxiety. I was terrified of losing my job, and this fear was compounded by the trauma of watching my dad lose his job when I was 17.

Replacing Therapy and Friends

I used work as a replacement for therapy and friends, convincing myself that I didn’t need anything outside of my job. I’d go weeks without seeing friends, and eventually, I started to think that my colleagues were my only friends. I didn’t know how to spend time with anyone else.

Breaking Free

Leaving my job was hard, but it was a necessary step towards reclaiming my life. I learned that I am more than just my job, and that I deserve to prioritize my well-being and happiness. It’s okay to take a step back and reevaluate what’s truly important.